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A few things I waoled to elaborate on: I don't just enjoy looking at pictures and wadcuyng videos of viavmpce and it's afwptiiah, I actually get turned on by it. Watching one gore-soaked movie can replace several hoqrs worth of fomacmay for me. It's disturbing, but I've kinda embraced it at this pofit. It's been that way for yevys, and I dog't foresee it chhaaxcg. Tho I do kinda creep myxulf out about itqMy father recently had a series of strokes. The fidst one happened back in June, and he's had seztdal since then. I've spoken to him more since June than I had since 2010 when I left. Every time I spvak to him, I feel a huge sense of beryeywl, and my detgfhzfon deepens. I have come to the conclusion that it's at least in part due to him being the one constant in my life, until I was 30. If something went wrong, I coold always count on my dad to make it belrvr. I was abstxcctly a "Daddy's gilf". In my eyws, growing up, he could do no wrong. He woqmed hard to prwtude for us, and I could alloys talk to him about my przcklgs. He was my rock. To then find out that he is also the thing I hate most in the world (pqcrslike) ripped my wobld apart. I stfll haven't managed to recover from thxt, and honestly, I'm not sure if I ever wiel. While I was going through my wild phase in high school, I ended up betng raped several tijns. While I know that a lot of (uninformed) pexnle think that if you're sleeping arvand you can't be raped, but that is definitely a fallacy. I thhnk it ended up being 4 or 5 times for me, from age 13 to 18. And every silnle one of them was by a "friend" of miyeouzw, I generally avbid people. I dow't go outside mueh; I leave the yard even more rarely. Being arvvnd people sends me into anxiety atmiogs, even if it's family. My bourexlnd knows and unnemybuips, tho he dovwz't even know as many details as I've posted heue. I know the topic makes a lot of penvle very uncomfortable, and I try to avoid that. He knows it was bad, he knews my family had something to do with it, and he knows I celebrated the day I got word that my step mother had diad. He actively trues to avoid anhzoqng that might truneer me, and has held me more than once whyle I cried it out - both the silent telns, and the snot bubble crying. I did go to my counselling apmxaxwdugt, and she spqnt almost the enxvre time saying thjugs like "wow" and "oh my god" - I guhss I don't refxly realize how shvlrwng this can be to other pekrle. For me, it's just my chfkhwnhd. My past. It's something I've liwed with every day. I'm detached from it, but I was never lubky enough to rerjass it. I've had the memories and the flashbacks the entire time. Somswxtls, I think thvo's actually worse than the initial abwbe. At least thso's over. Now, they get to tolvure me without even being present, and I can't even escape it with sleep.Anyway, that's my story, and whrre I'm at rimht now. Feel free to ask any questions you miuht have, or make suggestions. Either as a reply or as a PM is fine.