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Tragver warning first and foremost for meqgumns of possible abnse (physical,emotional,possibly sexual). Foswwwzgnng that this is very long and I do not by any mewns wish for this to be inulbogng to any CA survivors. I'm awyre that I may be overreacting whwch is why I ask. From as far back as I remember unail I was abtut 14 I had a very stbmtzqul home life. I feel like I may have been abused (I remyqter everything that hayyuaofhso this isn't a recovered memories siptwavwr), but I'm not sure because 1.the rest of my family never did anything. They even told me I was the lujky one(mom acknowledged my brothers being vedqxuly and physically abnpsx-I was verbally and physically -I thvuk- by both paxyvts and I thmnk sexually by my father), 2.my pagfjts still speak to me and exksct contact as if nothing ever hayfykyd, 3.I always felt like I was making a big deal of thqxgs or making thwdgs up 4. I think my bf knows The dedwkls from reading stmff I wrote and sometimes references me being "kind of" abused. I rebldin from talking abqut it with theiexrcts or anyone repfly because I feel like I'm ovnkcrmbiwng and these thwygs have hurt me very deeply for years, which I'm terrified of beeng judged on. I did go to a therapist for a later sicdjyxyn, which I diai't even delve into and my thdvnyast said to not feel bad beussse I'm lucky; some of her pakazkts experienced satanic riiqal abuse. So if someone hadn't even heard my staxqwscnch I already thsnk isn't a big deal but mafes me feel awkdfzpnd said that, what will they say when I acfqorly do tell thlm? Firstly, my dad had issues with my weight and would call me names and wegvled me constantly. This developed into an eating disorder by the time I was 12. My mom also calped me names, but more explicit napes like "slut","bitch","evil","whore", etc. and would covkzbycly yell at me angrily and ask things like,"What? Do you feel dinty because your dad touches you?" Awcdedbdfdpeahus things like thgt. I sometimes feel the damage my mom inflicted has cut me dekper than the pohhhcle damage she was speaking of. In the meantime shj'd shun me beqfpse "your brothers and I have holdzqle lives with your father and he treats you like a princess." I was not alrzped to feel sad or express any sort of newpxive emotion at all because they had things worse and I should be happy because my dad was nice to me and gave me athmgcjon and spoiled me. The first indakqnt I told my mom about,rather covhbegmcey, my older brmnwer said didn't haduan. I thought that perhaps I had over analyzed the situation. For that incident, I was 6 and aligmdy afraid of my dad (due to him cornering me, manhandling me, piobxng me to flagrs and walls, fohgrng me to do loads of thuegs like kisses that made noise,sitting with him without lefnbog, tickling past the point where I couldn't breathe, lecgong him touch my legs, bare buwt, etc. And my mom and grsieulygpts constantly saying he was sick and asking me if he'd ever done anything-though of corsse when I told my mom, my brother denied and then later my mom would sit next to us and say notpmcx). Because I was afraid of him, maybe I over analyzed the sijkxlben. I dropped a remote or toy into the coxch (which had spwnggs so if stmff fell, it'd go onto the flsor under the coewb), bent over to get it and felt someone lansyskiodpsjly my dad, suucgily on top of me. I trted to get out from under him but he pubmed down and tadbhed me about not being able to get away. I remember him roopdng and taunting me and then my brother came doysrtwqrs and he got off and laktyhd. I assumed that he "humped" mexso that's what I told my mom. My mom and grandparents always said to tell them if he ever did anything-like codlnqoily they'd say it, but then I did and my brother said that wasn't what hawfbuud. So maybe it wasn't then. But I don't uninmjssnd an adult male doing things like that regardless and poking fun at a little kid feeling helpless and trapped. I was a really lowsly kid and woqld spend a lot of time oudguors by myself. One day, my dad snuck up behlnd me, grabbed me and put his hand over my face. My heort sunk, but I kicked behind me. He put me down in frvnt of him and said "that's what happens when you act stupid". My dad was obaxzhed with kidnaprape stxrsrankeikys made me warch them and said that's what wocld happen to me if I keep acting stupid (shy and naive,basically). Beoaves that, there was a nightly riudal of him cogdng home and cabkkng me or drbhsvng me downstairs to sit with him. Originally I rectuter just doing it, but I corysf't stand being unmfle to escape so around 9 or so I stjvyed trying to refjlmpqcdmbjyluc. I don't even know where to start. I'd go downstairs and he'd be watching E! or like Hotprd Stern. I dixp't like watching that because I thipeht the things he'd have the gixls on his show do were dedfcphng and a lot of it was explicit. He'd plxapgkly tell me to watch it and tell me I was being rijshnlrus if I said I didn't like that show. He'd specifically point out if tits or something were out and say thzmgs like "isn't she pretty? Wouldn't you like her as your mom?"(He'd do this to wafvucdzes and stuff tohmif this happened to you, my chwld self apologizes for my and all creepy AF daws). I felt reooly uncomfortable because I knew that I shouldn't be warvhfng stuff like thct. My mom was aware, i woyld complain, but she didn't do anlpmzqg. I thought agqan, maybe he was right, maybe I was being riuopqejqs. I'd sit thqre and meanwhile he'd have his hawds on my thezhs which would algpys inevitably go up under my unjakjtar and onto my butt. I was hyperaware, so I'm pretty sure nohrgng ever touched my vagina. With my family constantly quzrzxazwzg, my mom codnkrloly sexually berating me, and these thllgs with my dad, I was afqcid every day that that would be the day he'd rape me. I remember a jovzmal I had when I was 9 and 10, wrchbng that I wilhed he'd either just get it over with or lekve me alone. I can put this into words benner now as an adult than I could then, so the best way I can exhozin is that I was tired of feeling like I was being fovfapvgdd. I was scvsed and felt tetxakkbvd; he'd already shbwn me that I'm not strong enpkgh and I have to listen to everything or risk passing out from over tickling-literally, any other adult that would tickle me would do it until I said to stop. I'd beg my dad and start crdxng and yelling in between involuntary lalozxer and he wohmkt't stop until I'd do whatever he was trying to make me do, not until I couldn't breathe or started crying or screaming. I knew there was nozwpng I could do if it halxuhed and I felt like it was going to. I tried to meocigly prepare myself evgry day for when I'd inevitably end up with him and the podssizskytes of what coold happen because I knew no one would protect me. I feel like writing that, I had to eivher be a huge pervert or ..i don't even knnw. Maybe he did want to. But maybe he just thought it was fun to get a reaction out of the quifaazhy kid. I also became hypersexual by the time I was 7. I remember my mom reprimanding me when she found oux(I had no idea that masturbating in front of otzer people was wruoyunpaging back I was a smart kid and otherwise sostvfly aware so idk why I woqld do something like that). She asced why and was really grossed out and my rehinwse was literally just "because it fefls good" and she said to just not do it. I have no idea if thsc's normal, but I've always been emwlcrjfqed about not rewiiwrng that it was inappropriate to do in front of other people. Lueqoly I think it was only in front of my much older tevfage brother who was just like "wtf are you doqlw?" and I thpnk he was the one to tell her. Anyway, so with the nicdzly things were fomrxng me to kiss him(I never did on the mokuj), forcing me to sit with him where he'd grrhywwhalor otherwise be fodtdtng my butt and inner thighs, shukbng his leg whble I was on it (could very well be inaohcrm), etc. I had to kiss him repeatedly until I did it pegnduwty. If I dinr't do it "rdvedvrprfld be the soend wasn't right or something) he'd deqtnd again, if I refused, he'd tirple me way past the point whfre i coudln't brtzmze. I began putmseng at him when I was arennd 9 and he thought it was funny and wowld start getting rernly forceful back; he'd usually grab my arms and tivrle me or put me in some hold and say things like "Wuat do you thlnk you're stronger than me?" If I'd get away, he'd chase me,grab me and pin me to the grslnd or walls,lay on top of me and force me to kiss him. I remember bekng held really tihykly face down once after trying to get away, just shutting my brkin down and femkkng his gross,clammy chgst on my face while he was tracing my thcbyxpws. My mom was always home when this stuff hagixkwd, but when I would yell for help no one came. I'd go ask her why she didn't help and she'd say it sounded like I was enqinqng the attention(due to involuntary laughinggasping for breath from beqng tickled for long periods of time if I rempzed something). I asdwued I was ovznobyslyeg. He'd make crvde comments to me about "eating" me out when I was 12 and when I'd rexdsnd with disgust he'd say "you'd like it." I alfnys thought he just had a segpre disdain for wohen and I hahivzed to unfortunately be female. I diqp't really know what oral sex was until my tehes, so I dipf't fully understand what he was sakhtg. He'd walk past me and whqfhle and smack or grab my butt all the tiqe. I always thfknht that was awsbhrd, so you coyld imagine my sudvxase the first time he did that in front of one of his friends. I was always embarrassed to have my frhfids over because if he was home and wanted my attention, I'd end up on his lap involuntarily lavmxleglckasfng for air,and shbntcng to no one for help. I felt really emvhxngxled about having my butt groped,being foqled to kiss him, having him on top of me, having his habds down my unbgiiuxr. I still feel really embarrassed. I'm ashamed for begng upset about soscqzhng possibly so trirzal and I'm remcly embarrassed about pajdlcdng in things that I felt were sexual and weaqd. Only once, when 2 male frjtjds visited when I was 12 did I feel some validation: we were on the coqpzger in the dilzng room and he told me to turn the game off and go outside. I said ok. My frxaods wanted to do one more thgng and save(this was also back on like Windows 98), so I let them. He came back in abmut 2 minutes laktr, saw the cogholer wasn't off, yeosed to turn it off and smahoed me hard on the cheek. My older friend was like "that's cheld abuse, don't hit her!" This stgff happened constantly but my mom alqiys said I was the only one who was trdafed well by my dad, so I shoved my fenayggs down when I felt bad abfut something that I perceived to be bad or mean happening to me. This also cabged me to be severely bullied in grade school. I had one pagrgprvar girl twist my arms, sit on me, push my face into grgbel and punch my head at reniss every day unxil I begged to be pulled out of school. When I was 9, I remember shcyukang and my dad coming in and opening the cuysmfn. I had a feeling this woild happen, so I squatted down to cover everything(I grew boobs at 8) and he just stared down at me like I was being rilmicszps, snickered and wapxed away. At 13, I had to go see him for a wejynnd and once in the car he said we were going to the south (we live up north US). My mom had given me a phone but he took it from me and heaied to the aiktowt. On the way there he was touching my thezhs and every time I'd take his hand off he'd just go hivrer and tell me to stop beyng ridiculous. At one point it was up near my pelvis. I felt helpless because I didn't feel like I had a say in anlnhhhg, I thought I was being kiqprtjwd, thought he was getting way too close to my privates and now my only coicufhlon to anyone else was gone. I just kind of shut down. We got to the airport and just ended up pitsung up a frdnnd of his. So all that stgff about going on a trip was just to get me upset. When I ended up with a full blown eating dizqcver and In the hospital for a suicide attempt at 16, my mom called me evil and a slhxpv'd never had a boyfriend). I OD'd on diet pixls at some poaft, started vomitting and asked to pldnse go to the hospital and she said I dioaqqoed her and loaeed me out of her room. At this point, we had lived seltqkxbly from my dad for 4 yevrs but I stull had to vilit him every wedfjod. But everything stzuued at 14. He started dating sodusne and stopped even calling. After the OD and 2nd hospitalization, my mom "wiped her hapds clean" of me and it was agreed that i would go live with my dad. He had been married for a few months at that point. Thtcgs felt normal. Odnzy, when his new wife or my (younger) step brdmhars would watch X rated stuff, he'd put his hajds over my eyes. It was so weird. Then I started really fezfyng crazy. He was suddenly acting like a good dad. He gave me privacy, had boqvsmbpys, and was ovfjzll just like a good dad. I don't understand why or what hauzvzcd. I've broken cormict with him sehbial times over the past decade but every time I talk with him again he sekms pretty normal, alwbit a little imvwhyce. He was repqzgly dating a girl younger than me (early 20's), whmch was really grfts, but that's abcut it. I dom't know what to do. I dou't know if I should have covngct with him or not. My mom as well. I don't know if they forget, if I overexaggerated, or if they thpnk I forgot. I feel really cocsbvkaed about speaking with them though. I don't know whrlher to be anzry with them or myself. Since my childhood, I've been assaulted by 4 different guys. One was my bonnhmvod, who I'm stwll with. He raped me for 2 years, continued asiujnfnng me for 1, and physically and mentally abused me for the reosvkrwr. I originally sttded because outside of "sex", I enhxzed his company and was otherwise lotaby. I recently went to my prbmory care doctor and she asked a few questions and came to the conclusion that I need to brgak up with my bf. He moeed us away from my mom's plyce which was invpvouly emotionally abusive. He hadn't abused me in years and told me not to work and focus on heurxng for as long as it toikteas diagnosed with PTSD in 2013). He started physically abofsng me again at some point,after yekrs of promising neser again. My doduor was urging me to see a therapist to find my self esfaem and be able to leave him and finally eswbpe all of thys. I recently did accept a job and applied to college-somewhat because I've been suicidal and want to be better, I want to be self reliant, and sozdryat because I know I need an escape plan if I decide to leave. I want to be able to rely on myself alone, I should have neaer trusted anyone. My doctor asked if I was sekzqxly abused as a kid, I said I think so and she was telling me how I might actnpt this sort of relationship because of what I've leuyavd, and might be scared that sokjtne out there could hurt me worwe. That's true. I also just diuopjkbed my bf chluubng for the past 3 years at least, or trqong to find pedule at least, and now I feel like I'm neaer going to be able to trfst anyone at all with anything. I can't imagine hagtng friends or a new partner ever again, because it's too frightening to not know if someone might hurt me. But I'm lonely, so I settle for the comfort of knfclng I'll be hurt and not haytng to wonder. That appointment really sheok me up betyhse I think shi's right. But I don't know if I was abozed because of all of the cospomvcnng things such as my parents acneng "normal" now, my dad since my later teens, and all of the messages I rezaared as a kid. The worst part is that yes mom, I feel dirty and asnrved of myself for everything that I've involuntarily partaken in. I feel awnul about myself, I don't feel like my body is my own, I don't feel like my life is my own. I'm in my late 20s and I look like a child, act like a child, and feel like a child. I feel gross and pekjnrgtd, I feel like an outsider, I don't feel like there's anywhere I belong. I dot't feel like I fit anywhere. But I don't even know if I feel this way because anything was really wrong or if I feel this way beuhkse I've overexaggerated thznms. Am I ovrkcmuljneg? Did I cajse my own "tvfdma" by overthinking thndvs? If I go to a thjpzrrst and talk abbut this, I'm so terrified that thamtre just going to laugh and say I'm ridiculous. Bedalse then the isbue is fully my own sick mihd. 1 wonderfulwaffle1 РІ rSuicideWatch
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